Lately, I’ve been obsessing about my physical appearance. I got new make-up (was way too excited when it arrived) and just made another purchase last night. I’ve also wanted a new wardrobe (even though I hardly leave my house these days).
I truly thought I was focusing on appearance, but then I realized it’s not about what I look like (well, maybe a little). It’s my way of managing things when I feel powerless in other areas of my life.
Control gives the illusion of security and safety. It might make us feel better in the moment but ultimately ends up confusing our priorities and choices. If we take the layer of control away, we often see that there are deeper issues involved.
What steps can we take to become less controlling?
- Awareness
Identify the situations you find yourself being controlling.
Some might be;
-house needs to be clean
–appearance needs to be flawless
-need to do it all (perfect mom, wife, employee)
-relationships (boyfriend, husband, kids)
If you are having a hard time pinpointing areas;
-ask someone close to you what they see (others can oftentimes see things that we can’t).
-ask the Holy Spirit to reveal these areas in your life.
2. Need
What is underneath the behavior? What is this control fulfilling?
There is something you are getting from it. Some examples of underlying needs;
-self-esteem, insecurity (i.e., feeling “good enough”)
-anxiety (i.e., predictability, stability)
-trust (i.e., protection from being hurt)
3. Choice
Ask yourself; are these behaviors working for me?
If not, start with changing one (only one) of the situations you’ve identified. Your flesh will fight you on this, but it’s about training your mind and not allowing your feelings to run the show, especially when you’re uncomfortable (and you will be at the beginning).
4. Pray
-for the strengthening of your mind
-for increased faith and trust in God (in general and in the specific situations you are working on)
-for wisdom as you move forward with the process.
I highly encourage getting an accountability partner. It’s hard to do this stuff on our own. If you can’t think of someone, feel free to contact me, and I can help.
Where do you struggle with control the most?
