Do you enjoy suffering? If you had three wishes, would they be pain, distress, and hardship? I’m not a mind reader, but I think the answer would be a hard NO.
If I had to explain my feelings about having a mental illness, I’d compare it to kale; I hate it, I don’t want it, it’s gross (in my opinion). Yet, it’s good for me (stay with me). AND if you blend it with some pineapple, yogurt, bananas, and honey, it’s not so bad.
Focusing on the suckiness of my illness kept me in dark places, but through reading God’s Word and studying the topic of suffering, my perspective started to shift. He revealed to me that there was a purpose behind the pain.
I am a strong-willed, stubborn girl, and God knows that. He knew which path would build my character and prepare me for his purposes. My suffering has not been wasted. God has transformed my afflictions into encouragement for others.
Even though I still wouldn’t raise my hand for more pain, I do understand that sometimes it takes pain to help us on the journey of becoming who we are meant to be.
After all, God is in the business of blending burdens into blessings.
How has the path of suffering served you or others?
When someone criticizes me–even if it’s constructive–I can feel my walls going up, my heart putting on its protective gear.
But sometimes we need to hear this stuff, as hard as it may be.
Just the other day, I had a tough conversation with someone close to me. Some valid points were made and needed to be said, but I’ll admit–it hurt like hell to hear them.
My initial reaction was to defend myself, which I did for a bit. When our talk was over, I was left to choke on the feedback I had received. I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard.
I decided to go for a drive to process things. I was angry and confused. Was what they said true?
I called some friends for prayer AND because I knew they would co-sign my stuff. I wanted them to tell me that it was an exaggeration. I wanted them to tell me that is wasn’t true–but they didn’t answer.
In between sobs, the Word of God spoke to my heart through worship music. As painful as it was to fully engage with my feelings, I knew I was supposed to be in this exact place. I wasn’t meant to lean on or be comforted by anyone except for God.
What usually follows an episode like this is a big-old butt-kicking of my own doing and guilt for days. Instead, I felt this odd peace and conviction-not guilt-conviction. At that moment, I knew the feedback I had received was accurate. The messenger loved me enough to tell me the truth.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but we are called to hold each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ.
I chose to leave my pride at the cross and accept this as a growth opportunity. There was no booty kicking or guilt to speak of.
I know that God loves me as is, but I also know that He wants me to continue growing–and this was an opportunity to do so.
It’s in those times of deep sadness and pain that chains have been broken in my life. And in those times God has never left my side.
Who is helping you maintain accountability in your walk?
This was first my experience with a Psychiatrist. I didn’t appreciate his frankness and besides that, he was wrong.
Years passed, and once again I found myself in a Psychiatrist’s office, but this time it was a different doctor. “You are bipolar,” he told me.
“Crap!”
Growing up I struggled with depression, anxiety, and anger. These three symptoms were besties. One was never present without the other, although much of the time one would lead the rest.
I knew I had issues but an official diagnosis freaked me out. I was now willing to hear it but accepting it was a whole different thing.
The doctor suggested medication, but I wasn’t ready. I was already self-medicating with my dear friends: drugs and alcohol. They had been around a long time.
I knew I had issues
It got to a point where my coping methods started working against me, taking my mental health to even more extreme highs and lows, so I chose to get clean and sober.
I no longer had my friends to console me and needed another way to manage my symptoms, so I became open to the possibility of taking legit medication.
I didn’t want this diagnosis
I didn’t want to be labeled.
I had a specific idea of how people with mental health issues looked. What I had seen was extreme. I wasn’t like “them.” I was a functional part of society. This mindset kept me stagnant, floating in the river of denial.
I started attending support groups through DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). I never knew how broad the spectrum of mental health was. It was at these groups that I began to release the stigma I had attached to mental health.
I didn’t want to be labeled
Fellow Christians would tell me stories about God healing them of their depression. I’d walk away thinking, why them and not me God?
I believed God was more than capable of healing me, but that’s not part of my story.
Once I started to accept that this was something I’d struggle with throughout my life, my attitude started to change. Instead of asking for this “thing” to be taken away, I started praying that he would use it for His glory.
He has.
As I started sharing my experiences, others shared theirs. If it wasn’t them who struggled it was usually someone close to them.
God put people in my path for me to support and encourage when I was a complete trainwreck, reminding me that even at my lowest, He can use me.
I can’t even begin to count the times He’s provided comfort to me in the midst of it all. Sometimes it was a text from a friend; other times it was a song playing on the radio. Although, nothing beats my all-time favorite comfort tactic like my tattoo (Ephesians 2:10).
Why them and not me, God?
The struggle and pain that comes with life are real. Knowing that there might be a greater purpose than what my eyes can see encourages me to keep moving forward.
Having bipolar doesn’t define me, even though it tries to convince me otherwise. When my thoughts start attaching to this idea, God gently reminds me “You are who I say you are, my beautiful daughter.”
God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
If you are in need of some encouragement today, please listen to this song.
