Tag: needs

Identity, Thought Life, Uncategorized

How To Let Go Of Control

Jaime

Lately, I’ve been obsessing about my physical appearance. I got new make-up (was way too excited when it arrived) and just made another purchase last night. I’ve also wanted a new wardrobe (even though I hardly leave my house these days).

I truly thought I was focusing on appearance, but then I realized it’s not about what I look like (well, maybe a little). It’s my way of managing things when I feel powerless in other areas of my life.

Control gives the illusion of security and safety. It might make us feel better in the moment but ultimately ends up confusing our priorities and choices. If we take the layer of control away, we often see that there are deeper issues involved.

What steps can we take to become less controlling?

  1. Awareness

 Identify the situations you find yourself being controlling.

Some might be;

-house needs to be clean

–appearance needs to be flawless

-need to do it all (perfect mom, wife, employee)

-relationships (boyfriend, husband, kids)

If you are having a hard time pinpointing areas;

-ask someone close to you what they see (others can oftentimes see things that we can’t).

-ask the Holy Spirit to reveal these areas in your life.

2. Need

What is underneath the behavior? What is this control fulfilling? 

There is something you are getting from it. Some examples of underlying needs;

-self-esteem, insecurity (i.e., feeling “good enough”)

-anxiety (i.e., predictability, stability)

-trust (i.e., protection from being hurt)

3. Choice

Ask yourself; are these behaviors working for me?

If not, start with changing one (only one) of the situations you’ve identified. Your flesh will fight you on this, but it’s about training your mind and not allowing your feelings to run the show, especially when you’re uncomfortable (and you will be at the beginning).

4. Pray

-for the strengthening of your mind

-for increased faith and trust in God (in general and in the specific situations you are working on)

-for wisdom as you move forward with the process.

I highly encourage getting an accountability partner. It’s hard to do this stuff on our own. If you can’t think of someone, feel free to contact me, and I can help.

Where do you struggle with control the most?

Attitude, Love, Thought Life

I Lust You

Jaime

Love:

-an intense feeling of deep affection.

-a great interest and pleasure in something.

Lust:

– to have an intense sexual desire or need.

– an intense longing.

I’ve been “in lust” many times, often thinking it was love. All my lustful thoughts and feelings started with the phrase “I want.” Once I met the man who would eventually become my husband, the “I want” sentiment remained. Wasn’t there supposed to be a difference between the two?

Both definitions (received from Google and Merriam-Webster Dictionary) appear to be all about me. My desires, my needs, my interests, my pleasure.

No wonder my relationships didn’t work!

If my needs weren’t met, I’d leave. If I was no longer physically attracted to my partner, it was over (I was quite shallow and still can be). The interesting thing; the world encouraged this.

God flips the script, telling us that love is not self-serving, but quite the opposite. It’s about sacrifice and service. It’s not a feeling. It’s a choice. I have to choose my husband each day. Sometimes it’s a piece of cake, others, not so much.

When my feelings and thoughts communicate something different than the truth of God’s Word and His definition of love, I know it ain’t right. My part; commitment, willingness, selflessness (ouch), honesty, vulnerability, and last but not least, seeking love from the source Himself.

How do you know the difference between lust and love?

Attitude, Identity, Thought Life

It’s Not Me, It’s Them

Jaime

The world is full of broken people. I’m one of them.

Genocide, Human Trafficking, Homelessness, Politics. Watching the news for any length of time shows this reality. It’s easy to point fingers and blame others for the condition of our world, but do we ever think about our contribution?

“But I’m a good person,” I’d tell myself as I stole money from dad’s wallet. “If I didn’t have this drug habit, I wouldn’t be doing this.”

“But I’m a good person,” I’d reason while fooling around with someone’s boyfriend. “I’m deserving of love and attention too.”

“And anyway, I volunteer at a crisis center and work in a group home, so it balances things out. It’s not like I’m hurting anybody.” Talk about a screwy way of thinking.

Being so focused on my needs and desires, I genuinely convinced myself that my choices didn’t affect others. Isn’t this what we do? We rationalize and justify our behaviors and decisions.

This post is not meant to elicit feelings of guilt or shame but rather to encourage an honest look at our part in things. Our perceptions, assumptions, past experiences, egos, pride, and lots of other things drive our choices. 

“We” are not the problem, but the truth is, we all contribute to the brokenness of this world. The harsh reality is that this world is getting worse, but we, as individuals and disciples of Christ, are called to be a light in the broken places. 

How?

  • Be humble (talking to myself here). We don’t always need to be right.
  • Be respectful, regardless of others’ opinions or beliefs.
  • Self-Inventory. Keep track of your thoughts. Where do they come from? How are they steering your decisions (even in the little things)?
  • Keep your side of the street clean. Regardless of what anyone else is doing or saying, do what God is calling you to do or be.
  • Love Hard! It’s not easy but needed.
  • Keep your eyes fixed on what’s to come. This is not the finale.

Would you pray with me?

Lord, please help us by shining a light into the dark places of our minds and hearts. Use us as you please for your purposes, until you come back and fix all brokenness once and for all. Amen.

Uncategorized

I’ve Got Plans

Jaime

Have you ever had plans for your life that ended up not working out?

My plan as a young girl was to be a singer/actress. My summers involved musicals and rock bands. I loved being on stage and in the spotlight.

An opportunity arose when I was 15 years old. I had the chance to attend a prestigious camp to further my skills and career. My parents signed me up and I was ready to go.

And…

Then I met a boy, “fell in love,” and decided to skip camp to hang out with him. We broke up a few years later.

This changed the trajectory of my life.

I’d sometimes wonder what things would’ve been like if I had gone to that camp.

That wasn’t the plan for my life.

We tend to make plans according to our desires and needs; “I want… I want to be…” Sometimes we make plans based on what others desire for us. Mom might encourage marriage to a specific person. Dad wants you to take over the family business. We are blinded by our fleshly desires, so much so that we forget to consult with God about his plans for our lives.

God gives us freedom of choice. My choices may have put me on an alternate route, but God’s will prevailed.

Have you recently made a decision or plan that didn’t pan out? We’ve all been there. Here are some things that might help:

  • Surrender your will (if this is a struggle for you, pray for the desire to do so)
  • Pray for wisdom for your future and choices
  • Be aware of his presence and promptings
  • Trust that God’s plans are better than yours

What plans in your life turned out differently than you thought they would?