Blog

Dependence on God

Dependence Day

Jaime

July 4th is a day often celebrated with barbecues, parades, and fireworks. Independence Day is something to celebrate. But this made me think… is there such a thing as too much independence?

I was so excited when I first moved to my very own apartment. I had my own space and didn’t have to answer to anyone. All decisions were mine to make. I was the controller of my life, Miss Independent.

I had an “I can do it myself” attitude, similar to a two-year-old.

This mindset led to massive amounts of pressure on myself. When unable to meet my monumental expectations, I’d melt into a muddy puddle on the floor.

I only have myself to depend on

Being fully independent wasn’t what I’d envisioned. So, I did what any 20 something would do; I went on a relationship hunt. Upon retrieving my prey, I’d quickly realize that others—like myself—couldn’t be depended on 100% of the time.

I now understand that all humans are flawed. We mess up. We let people down. It’s not always on purpose; it just comes with the territory. We are imperfect people.

This would’ve been discouraging if it ended there, but it didn’t.

I’ve heard lots of “Trust God, Have Faith” statements since hanging around the church. But if I can’t entirely depend on myself or others, what makes God trustworthy?

People let you down

His dependability became apparent as I studied His attributes:

He never changes, ever.

He is all-knowing.

He is faithful.

He has the full picture of my life from beginning to end. He sees what no one else can. Besides that, He has personally shown up during the difficult times and uncertainties in my life. He has proven his dependability—not just in my life—but in the lives of those who came before me. It’s scattered throughout His Word.

You can depend on God

I AM an independent woman. I’m still free to make my own choices and decisions. The difference now is I choose to pray for guidance before making them; I choose to do what’s right even if I’m not “feeling” it; I choose to give all outcomes to The One who is dependable.

What prevents you from fully depending on God?

Identity

Not Ashamed

Jaime

Hi, my name is Jaime and I love Jesus.

There have been times I’ve wanted to introduce myself this way, just to get it out of the way. My anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies come up when I talk about my faith with unbelievers.

I want people to like me for who I am, regardless of my beliefs. I don’t want to be lumped into a category of people that have misrepresented his name. Besides that, once you mention the name of Jesus an automatic line is drawn in the sand.

I’m placing the fear of opinions above my faith

This is not in alignment with who I claim to be.

No one likes to be judged. We all want to be seen and accepted for who we are as people, not by our choices or preferences. But the truth is we’ve all judged and been judged in one way or another.

Then there’s Jesus. The one who sees all my faults and mistakes. He knows my history of disdain towards him, yet he dies for me. I spit on him, brutally attack him and mock him, yet he dies for me.

How can I be ashamed of the one who gave his life for me, for the one who solidified my own personal “I am.”

I am making a decision;

I will not be ashamed

I can’t talk the talk and not walk it. I need to walk it. I WANT to.

I need to make sure that I’m keeping it real, which for me means not shying away from speaking about the one who saved me from myself. With that being said, I’m not trying to convert you (well maybe a little) when I talk about him. He is just so much a part of my life, I can’t NOT talk about him. It wouldn’t be authentic.

Now that I have made this choice, it seems appropriate to give him a proper shout out:

Give me a J….

Give me an E…

Give me an S…

Give me a U…

Give me an S…

What’s that spell?

JESUS!!! hoots and haws in the background.

What fears stand in the way of your truth?

Attitude, Thought Life

But I Want To

Jaime

The food we eat affects our state of mind and overall health. In order to be fit and healthy, we need to eat well. I’ve realized over time that the same goes for my spiritual and emotional well being.

I started watching a new television series about the struggles of young adults. It has lots of explicit content.

I know what my own personal struggles and temptations are and often try to stay away from content that feeds the beasts. This show is not healthy for me to watch, yet I’m drawn to it.

The things we watch affect our minds and hearts

This is not a “though shall not” thing, more of a “this stuff seeps into my mind and heart” thing.

I’ve come to realize that my mind and heart are not always dependable when it comes to decision making. I can manipulate myself into thinking anything is right for me if I want to.

I am good at rationalizing things. For instance, I want to author books for young adults. I’d also like to mentor young women. This show could potentially help me to understand what it’s like to live as a young woman in this day and age. Therefore, its research. Boom!

I can’t undo the things I’ve seen and heard. They have played a part in my life in one way or another. Adding more length to the reel doesn’t serve me well…

But I want to watch it.

This is where I have to make a choice.

We can’t undo what we’ve seen

Will I submit to my fleshly desires and continue watching? Am I willing to accept the consequences? Do I want to regress to former ways of thinking and old patterns of behaviors?

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I do know what’s best for me, but I don’t always choose that route.

What’s your “But I want to?”

Attitude

Recycled

Jaime

There is lots of waste in the world. Thankfully, recycling has helped with the process of converting waste into reusable material.

This got me thinking about times in my life that I perceived as wasteful. Poor decisions, hard lessons, times of suffering, and despair. I’d often find myself in the role of victim: “why me, why this?”

What was the point of it all?

What if all we’ve been through wasn’t pointless but for a greater purpose?

This has helped me to view my experiences differently.

Would I repeat some of the things I’ve done in my life? Nope, BUT I wouldn’t take them back either. I’ve seen God recycle the messes I’ve made into reusable goods.

Instead of kicking my crap to the curb and burning it, I’ve decided to put mine in storage, saving it for opportunities to support, love and walk alongside others in need.

Together We Can

Benefits of recycling:

–Less pollution: healthier relationships, community.

–Saves energy: resentments burn our time and energy. Forgiveness and kindness refuel.

–Conserves valuable resources: We are God’s most valuable resource. Let’s support each other so we can be the people He created us to be.

What experiences in your life can be used to help someone else?

Attitude, Identity, LGBTQ

I See You

Jaime

Dear Fellow Females,

I don’t know you, but I love you.

How can I love you if I haven’t met you? Easy, because God loves me. He loves me in spite of everything I’ve done (and girl, I’ve done a lot).

Now that I know this love it’s my responsibility to love you. Not in a conditional way, but all of you. This doesn’t mean that I will affirm everything you do, but it does mean that I see you and accept you as a person.

If anyone has ever made you feel less than, I’m sorry.

If anyone has ever labeled you, I’m sorry.

If anyone has ever spit harmful words at you, I’m sorry.

Please hear me when I say: YOU are God’s Masterpiece (microphone drop).

You are beautiful, one of a kind, amazing, loved, cared about, special, worth dying for.

I’ve felt less than. I’ve been labeled. Harmful words have penetrated my soul. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So I’m reaching out… to you.

I don’t know your story, but if you’d like to share it with me, I’m here.

Drugs, Mental Health, Support

I Want To Get High

Jaime

I’ve seen many anti-drug commercials, but one stood out to me the most.

Three teenage boys sit on a couch. They are not in jail, haven’t been in a car accident, and are not dead. Fast forward to the future. They haven’t moved. They sit on the same couch. Even though the consequences don’t seem severe they are not living up to their full potential.

I can’t help but wonder about these boys. Why were they choosing to confine themselves to a couch instead of experiencing life?

I then realized, I chose that very same path.

They are not living up to their full potential

Like a warm blanket, drugs covered my insecurity and anxiety. Numbing my worries and temporarily blocking problems from my consciousness.

Eventually, the drugs started to feel more like a wet blanket. My insecurities worsened and I began to isolate. I’d sit watching television for hours at a time, sometimes days. The depression and anxiety following the come down was terrible-so I’d stay high, and the cycle repeated.

I wasn’t living life to my fullest potential. I knew this, even with all the discomfort and chaos happening internally.

But knowing and doing are two separate things.

I eventually got clean and sober. At the age of 27.

My emotional maturity level was that of a teenager, the same age I started using. Drugs had been my primary coping method for so long. I now had to learn to deal with life and feelings.

With the help of 12 step meetings, therapy, doctors, friends, family, and God, I started down this road of mental healthiness (I think I just made that up).

I dealt with what I needed to and in the process discovered purpose and passions I never knew I had.

I eventually got clean and sober

If I kept numbing myself I might still be on that same couch today (probably a newer couch, but you get the point) or worse. I wouldn’t be living for what I have been purposed for.

Each one of us is created with gifts and talents. Every. Single. One.

If you are under the influence and reading this, you were created for a purpose.

If you are anxious, depressed, angry, hurt, manic and everything else in between, you were created for a purpose.

Whoever you are, you were created for a purpose.

What’s getting in the way of reaching your full potential?

Raining In My Head
Mental Health

It’s Always Raining In My Head

Jaime

I sit in a pit that’s dark and deep

My body bruised and bloody

It hurts too much even to weep

The ground is cold and muddy

I tuck my knees into my chest

Soothing myself by rocking

The pain of life that I digest

The door of death keeps knocking

My thoughts tell me that I’m no good

I’m damaged, bad, and broken

I’d change things if I felt I could

My destiny has spoken

My future filled with fear and dread

I’m just so sick of trying

It’s always raining in my head

I can’t stop thoughts of dying

I sit with you inside the pit

I’m right here by your side

Your mind can’t comprehend it

Through all those fears and lies

I hold you as you’re rocking

My heart breaks for your pain

These chains that need unlocking

My death was for your gain

Your thoughts do not define you

You rot in your own prison

You’ve been deceived and lied to

For this reason, I have risen

The future cannot harm you

When your life belongs to me

The clouds part to a sky thats blue

I ‘ve come to set you free

Below are some links to resources for anyone struggling with depression or any other mental health issues.


https://www.dbsalliance.org

https://www.nami.org

Mental Health

Anxiety Sucks

Jaime

Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 NLT

I’ve read this verse so many times. Instead of bringing me comfort, it often frustrated me. I understood that I wasn’t supposed to worry but how do I stop?

My anxiety resided in the details of each day, every once in a while vacating the property to rent a room in one of the more significant events in my life.

As I planned my days, obsessive thoughts consumed me, circling the details around and around with way too many conclusions. Intrusive thoughts dropped intermittently, taunting me with the “what if” game. The uncomfortable feeling of crawling in my skin made it unbearable at times.

I didn’t have a say about what was happening within me. It was exhausting.

How do I stop?

People would tell me: “stop worrying, its all in your head, everything will be fine.” They meant well but it only made me feel more anxious and isolated. If they could only see the hamster wheel in my head.

A few years back I was informed that I might need a specific surgery done. This wasn’t just any procedure, this was my worst- fear- come- true procedure.

It was the day of my follow up appointment, where my destiny would soon be determined. My knee bounced violently as I waited for the news. I felt like one of those tiny chihuahua’s that never stops shaking.

I had my bible open reading verses I had tagged on anxiety. I prayed. I listened to worship music. Even with all of these things, my anxiety remained close.

My worst fear come true

A nurse arrived to take my vitals. We started chatting. I shared how nervous I was and we continued talking about the small stuff.

Then something weird happened…

The atmosphere in the room shifted with the mention of God. This amazing nurse shared her heart with me. We prayed together, hugged, and she left the room.

By the time the doctor came in, my anxiety was gone, completely gone. He even mentioned how relaxed I appeared. I couldn’t explain it, but I could tell you who was behind it.

Did I mention that I didn’t have to have the surgery? Win!

Win!

What I experienced in that doctor’s office was supernatural. I can try to figure it out, or I can embrace the gift of transcendent peace that Philippians talks about. I choose the present.

I can only hope to have more experiences like the one above. The reality of my humanity is that I live in a broken world so there will be struggles.

AND

God is gracious. He doesn’t just leave me in this place of struggle. He encourages me, guiding me in the midst of the struggle through his Word.

Now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me-everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8-9

I may not be able to prevent the Ferris wheel of thoughts from coming to town, but I do get to choose which seat I jump into.

Fix your thoughts on what is true

I’m learning to listen to the thoughts that speak the truth, letting the contaminated ones float into the sewer where they belong. The more I’m in the Word, the more I’m able to identify these life-giving thoughts.

Would you please pray with me

Lord, thank you for providing me with a glimpse of what’s to come. I pray for more of it! You know the anxiety we deal with. You’ve been there yourself. If it is not your will to heal us then please give us the resources we need for it to be more manageable. Bring people into our lives that will walk among us, so we don’t have to suffer alone. I pray for all life-giving thoughts to be louder than any other. Thank you for never leaving us. Help us to focus more on you instead of our feelings and circumstances. Amen!

Mental Health

I’m Bipolar

Jaime

“You are bipolar,” the doctor told me.

“No I’m not,” was my response.

This was first my experience with a Psychiatrist. I didn’t appreciate his frankness and besides that, he was wrong.

Years passed, and once again I found myself in a Psychiatrist’s office, but this time it was a different doctor. “You are bipolar,” he told me.

“Crap!”

Growing up I struggled with depression, anxiety, and anger. These three symptoms were besties. One was never present without the other, although much of the time one would lead the rest.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is man-2196323_1920.jpg

I knew I had issues but an official diagnosis freaked me out. I was now willing to hear it but accepting it was a whole different thing.

The doctor suggested medication, but I wasn’t ready. I was already self-medicating with my dear friends: drugs and alcohol. They had been around a long time.

I knew I had issues

It got to a point where my coping methods started working against me, taking my mental health to even more extreme highs and lows, so I chose to get clean and sober.

I no longer had my friends to console me and needed another way to manage my symptoms, so I became open to the possibility of taking legit medication.

I didn’t want this diagnosis

I didn’t want to be labeled.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is ABNORMAL-1024x694.png

I had a specific idea of how people with mental health issues looked. What I had seen was extreme. I wasn’t like “them.” I was a functional part of society.  This mindset kept me stagnant, floating in the river of denial.

I started attending support groups through DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). I never knew how broad the spectrum of mental health was. It was at these groups that I began to release the stigma I had attached to mental health.

I didn’t want to be labeled

Fellow Christians would tell me stories about God healing them of their depression. I’d walk away thinking, why them and not me God?

I believed God was more than capable of healing me, but that’s not part of my story.

Once I started to accept that this was something I’d struggle with throughout my life, my attitude started to change. Instead of asking for this “thing” to be taken away, I started praying that he would use it for His glory.

He has.

As I started sharing my experiences, others shared theirs. If it wasn’t them who struggled it was usually someone close to them.

God put people in my path for me to support and encourage when I was a complete trainwreck, reminding me that even at my lowest, He can use me.

I can’t even begin to count the times He’s provided comfort to me in the midst of it all. Sometimes it was a text from a friend; other times it was a song playing on the radio. Although, nothing beats my all-time favorite comfort tactic like my tattoo (Ephesians 2:10).

Why them and not me, God?

The struggle and pain that comes with life are real. Knowing that there might be a greater purpose than what my eyes can see encourages me to keep moving forward.

Having bipolar doesn’t define me, even though it tries to convince me otherwise. When my thoughts start attaching to this idea, God gently reminds me “You are who I say you are, my beautiful daughter.”

God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

If you are in need of some encouragement today, please listen to this song.

Dependence on God

Arbor Day

Jaime

We all have our ways of dealing with the circumstances and struggles of life. I have not always handled these things well.

I have been a people pleaser and a bit of a perfectionist for most of my days, often defining myself by my roles and self-imposed expectations. I was strong and independent, yet, when life hit, it would knock me down, HARD. Relying on MY strength, I’d get back up just to get knocked down again.

And again…

I was a small bush that withered at any sign of drought or heat.

When life hit, it would knock me down, HARD.

Why were things affecting me like this?

It’s because I had no roots.

I still see myself as strong, but it doesn’t come from my efforts.

How did I make this shift?

I’d love to say that it was the moment I decided to have a relationship with Jesus, but it wasn’t. Even after, it took me a while to understand where my foundation started. It was through Gods Word that I established roots.

I still see myself as strong, but it doesn’t come from my own efforts.

I am no longer knocked down by the storms and circumstances of life. I stand upright with my roots digging deep into the source of my true identity. The wind might rustle my leaves, but I now stand firm.

Not only that, but my leaves remain green and vibrant throughout the seasons.

Where are you rooted when life’s circumstances come at you?