How can I love you if I haven’t met you? Easy, because God loves me. He loves me in spite of everything I’ve done (and girl, I’ve done a lot).
Now that I know this love it’s my responsibility to love you. Not in a conditional way, but all of you. This doesn’t mean that I will affirm everything you do, but it does mean that I see you and accept you as a person.
If anyone has ever made you feel less than, I’m sorry.
If anyone has ever labeled you, I’m sorry.
If anyone has ever spit harmful words at you, I’m sorry.
Please hear me when I say: YOU are God’s Masterpiece (microphone drop).
You are beautiful, one of a kind, amazing, loved, cared about, special, worth dying for.
I’ve felt less than. I’ve been labeled. Harmful words have penetrated my soul. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So I’m reaching out… to you.
I don’t know your story, but if you’d like to share it with me, I’m here.
I’ve seen many anti-drug commercials, but one stood out to me the most.
Three teenage boys sit on a couch. They are not in jail, haven’t been in a car accident, and are not dead. Fast forward to the future. They haven’t moved. They sit on the same couch. Even though the consequences don’t seem severe they are not living up to their full potential.
I can’t help but wonder about these boys. Why were they choosing to confine themselves to a couch instead of experiencing life?
I then realized, I chose that very same path.
They are not living up to their full potential
Like a warm blanket, drugs covered my insecurity and anxiety. Numbing my worries and temporarily blocking problems from my consciousness.
Eventually, the drugs started to feel more like a wet blanket. My insecurities worsened and I began to isolate. I’d sit watching television for hours at a time, sometimes days. The depression and anxiety following the come down was terrible-so I’d stay high, and the cycle repeated.
I wasn’t living life to my fullest potential. I knew this, even with all the discomfort and chaos happening internally.
But knowing and doing are two separate things.
I eventually got clean and sober. At the age of 27.
My emotional maturity level was that of a teenager, the same age I started using. Drugs had been my primary coping method for so long. I now had to learn to deal with life and feelings.
With the help of 12 step meetings, therapy, doctors, friends, family, and God, I started down this road of mental healthiness (I think I just made that up).
I dealt with what I needed to and in the process discovered purpose and passions I never knew I had.
I eventually got clean and sober
If I kept numbing myself I might still be on that same couch today (probably a newer couch, but you get the point) or worse. I wouldn’t be living for what I have been purposed for.
Each one of us is created with gifts and talents. Every. Single. One.
If you are under the influence and reading this, you were created for a purpose.
If you are anxious, depressed, angry, hurt, manic and everything else in between, you were created for a purpose.
Whoever you are, you were created for a purpose.
What’s getting in the way of reaching your full potential?
Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 NLT
I’ve read this verse so many times. Instead of bringing me comfort, it often frustrated me. I understood that I wasn’t supposed to worry but how do I stop?
My anxiety resided in the details of each day, every once in a while vacating the property to rent a room in one of the more significant events in my life.
As I planned my days, obsessive thoughts consumed me, circling the details around and around with way too many conclusions. Intrusive thoughts dropped intermittently, taunting me with the “what if” game. The uncomfortable feeling of crawling in my skin made it unbearable at times.
I didn’t have a say about what was happening within me. It was exhausting.
How do I stop?
People would tell me: “stop worrying, its all in your head, everything will be fine.” They meant well but it only made me feel more anxious and isolated. If they could only see the hamster wheel in my head.
A few years back I was informed that I might need a specific surgery done. This wasn’t just any procedure, this was my worst- fear- come- true procedure.
It was the day of my follow up appointment, where my destiny would soon be determined. My knee bounced violently as I waited for the news. I felt like one of those tiny chihuahua’s that never stops shaking.
I had my bible open reading verses I had tagged on anxiety. I prayed. I listened to worship music. Even with all of these things, my anxiety remained close.
My worst fear come true
A nurse arrived to take my vitals. We started chatting. I shared how nervous I was and we continued talking about the small stuff.
Then something weird happened…
The atmosphere in the room shifted with the mention of God. This amazing nurse shared her heart with me. We prayed together, hugged, and she left the room.
By the time the doctor came in, my anxiety was gone, completely gone. He even mentioned how relaxed I appeared. I couldn’t explain it, but I could tell you who was behind it.
Did I mention that I didn’t have to have the surgery? Win!
What I experienced in that doctor’s office was supernatural. I can try to figure it out, or I can embrace the gift of transcendent peace that Philippians talks about. I choose the present.
I can only hope to have more experiences like the one above. The reality of my humanity is that I live in a broken world so there will be struggles.
AND
God is gracious. He doesn’t just leave me in this place of struggle. He encourages me, guiding me in the midst of the struggle through his Word.
Now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me-everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:8-9
I may not be able to prevent the Ferris wheel of thoughts from coming to town, but I do get to choose which seat I jump into.
Fix your thoughts on what is true
I’m learning to listen to the thoughts that speak the truth, letting the contaminated ones float into the sewer where they belong. The more I’m in the Word, the more I’m able to identify these life-giving thoughts.
Would you please pray with me
Lord, thank you for providing me with a glimpse of what’s to come. I pray for more of it! You know the anxiety we deal with. You’ve been there yourself. If it is not your will to heal us then please give us the resources we need for it to be more manageable. Bring people into our lives that will walk among us, so we don’t have to suffer alone. I pray for all life-giving thoughts to be louder than any other. Thank you for never leaving us. Help us to focus more on you instead of our feelings and circumstances. Amen!
This was first my experience with a Psychiatrist. I didn’t appreciate his frankness and besides that, he was wrong.
Years passed, and once again I found myself in a Psychiatrist’s office, but this time it was a different doctor. “You are bipolar,” he told me.
“Crap!”
Growing up I struggled with depression, anxiety, and anger. These three symptoms were besties. One was never present without the other, although much of the time one would lead the rest.
I knew I had issues but an official diagnosis freaked me out. I was now willing to hear it but accepting it was a whole different thing.
The doctor suggested medication, but I wasn’t ready. I was already self-medicating with my dear friends: drugs and alcohol. They had been around a long time.
I knew I had issues
It got to a point where my coping methods started working against me, taking my mental health to even more extreme highs and lows, so I chose to get clean and sober.
I no longer had my friends to console me and needed another way to manage my symptoms, so I became open to the possibility of taking legit medication.
I didn’t want this diagnosis
I didn’t want to be labeled.
I had a specific idea of how people with mental health issues looked. What I had seen was extreme. I wasn’t like “them.” I was a functional part of society. This mindset kept me stagnant, floating in the river of denial.
I started attending support groups through DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). I never knew how broad the spectrum of mental health was. It was at these groups that I began to release the stigma I had attached to mental health.
I didn’t want to be labeled
Fellow Christians would tell me stories about God healing them of their depression. I’d walk away thinking, why them and not me God?
I believed God was more than capable of healing me, but that’s not part of my story.
Once I started to accept that this was something I’d struggle with throughout my life, my attitude started to change. Instead of asking for this “thing” to be taken away, I started praying that he would use it for His glory.
He has.
As I started sharing my experiences, others shared theirs. If it wasn’t them who struggled it was usually someone close to them.
God put people in my path for me to support and encourage when I was a complete trainwreck, reminding me that even at my lowest, He can use me.
I can’t even begin to count the times He’s provided comfort to me in the midst of it all. Sometimes it was a text from a friend; other times it was a song playing on the radio. Although, nothing beats my all-time favorite comfort tactic like my tattoo (Ephesians 2:10).
Why them and not me, God?
The struggle and pain that comes with life are real. Knowing that there might be a greater purpose than what my eyes can see encourages me to keep moving forward.
Having bipolar doesn’t define me, even though it tries to convince me otherwise. When my thoughts start attaching to this idea, God gently reminds me “You are who I say you are, my beautiful daughter.”
God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
If you are in need of some encouragement today, please listen to this song.
We all have our ways of dealing with the circumstances and struggles of life. I have not always handled these things well.
I have been a people pleaser and a bit of a perfectionist for most of my days, often defining myself by my roles and self-imposed expectations. I was strong and independent, yet, when life hit, it would knock me down, HARD. Relying on MY strength, I’d get back up just to get knocked down again.
And again…
I was a small bush that withered at any sign of drought or heat.
When life hit, it would knock me down, HARD.
Why were things affecting me like this?
It’s because I had no roots.
I still see myself as strong, but it doesn’t come from my efforts.
How did I make this shift?
I’d love to say that it was the moment I decided to have a relationship with Jesus, but it wasn’t. Even after, it took me a while to understand where my foundation started. It was through Gods Word that I established roots.
I still see myself as strong, but it doesn’t come from my own efforts.
I am no longer knocked down by the storms and circumstances of life. I stand upright with my roots digging deep into the source of my true identity. The wind might rustle my leaves, but I now stand firm.
Not only that, but my leaves remain green and vibrant throughout the seasons.
Where are you rooted when life’s circumstances come at you?
I confess I judge others. My mind just seems to go there at times without my permission, AND other times it has my full consent. This usually occurs upon first seeing someone, the whole book by a cover thing. I have nothing else to go by except for what I see. It’s part of my humanity.
I confess I judge others
One day while at the airport waiting for my flight, I heard some women talking about a fellow female who was also waiting for a plane. She was a pretty girl, wearing something looking similar to lingerie; something that would be worn in the comfort of one’s home.
Of course, I had to look and see what they were talking about; I am human. At that moment I had a choice to make. Was I going to judge too? Instead, I started wondering about her. Who is she? What’s her story?
I had a choice to make
So, what did I choose to do? Well, I still don’t know her story and didn’t take the time to find out (wasn’t the time or place). But, I chose compassion (which is not my natural response). I decided to view her as God does, as his beautiful daughter.
For much of my life any time a thought or feeling would arise I’d go with it. I never knew I had the choice to engage or disengage.
I don’t know if we ever get to a place of complete nonjudgement (I’m not there yet), but after my initial automatic judgy thought arises, I get to choose what comes after.
I get to choose
Remember that girl I just spoke about? As I was boarding the plane, I saw her sitting in first class with a not so good looking guy (judgment). I thought to myself “she must be with him because he has money (judgment).” Do you see! I JUST decided not to judge, and there my mind goes again. So, yes, it appears to be the human condition.
Before slamming that gavel down, I need to remember a few things:
They (whoever they are) are made in the image of God, just like me.
I have my own issues. Even though mine may not be visible to others, they still exist.
Check in with me to see if there are any feelings of jealousy or envy involved.
How can you choose compassion over judgement today?
We have all been broken at some point in our lives, whether due to circumstances, choices we’ve made, or messages we’ve received from others.
While searching for a name for this blog I came across the word “mangled.” It really spoke to me, capturing the wide range of brokenness we’ve all experienced at one time or another. Some of us have been bruised by life while others have been crushed.
We have all been broken at some point in our lives
A few years ago I got a tattoo on my wrist of a heart with puzzle pieces inside of it. A cross sits boldly in the middle, completing the puzzle, with Ephesians 2:10 written beneath it. I got this as a reminder to myself about the truth of who I am: God’s masterpiece, his handiwork, his beautiful work of art.
This truth becoming a reality has been a process for me. I still have days when negative thoughts try to determine my identity. Days that I fall into the trap of comparison, letting others and the world dictate who I am.
But then, I glance at my wrist and remember.
It takes energy to fight off all the messages that stand against who God says I am and to embrace the person he’s created me to be. All of my weird and quirky ways, the dumb things that fly out of my mouth, my vanity issues, my mistakes, my choices. None of these things define me, not one. I am God’s masterpiece, and so are you.
I am God’s Masterpiece, and so are you
What things in your life have you let define you?
Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Is there something in your life that you haven’t told anyone? Maybe you’ve been embarrassed or scared of what others might think, so you keep it to yourself.
Growing up, I convinced myself that my body was mine. I could do whatever I wanted with it, which was true.
It is.
I can.
I did.
Hormones and boys were not a good mix.
Justifying my actions became a skill. I never saw past my current season of life, let alone think about future consequences.
Fast forward to meeting Jesus in my late 20’s. I’m sitting in church, listening to a sermon on purity. All I could think was “FAIL.” The culmination of past decisions was starting to affect my self-image, along with my relationships. “I am what I’ve done,” guilt and shame would successfully convince me.
“I am what I’ve done”
Why would I want anything to do with this community if this was how I was going to feel?
Thankfully, I wasn’t left to sit in this pit of condemnation. God already knew everything I had done, and yet, he still loved me.
My old foes guilt and shame still try coordinating sneak attacks, but these days they are slain with the truth: Jesus died a horrible death so I can be free.
Jesus died a terrible death so I can be free
Free from labels
Free from lies
Free from condemnation
I still care what others think about me. Anxiety and fear still present themselves when I share my testimony. It’s all still there, but now I choose to embrace how God’s see’s me. His love for me outweighs all fear.
What’s that “something” in your life you’d like to be free from?
